July 20, 2016
I’m in a really dark hole and just feel like it’s futile to expect things to be any different.
I am flipping between hate and the desire – no longing – for something different. I’m extremely depressed. I used to be able to be locked up and I never cared. But now my life is gone. I’m ruined. I will always be a felon. I will never be able to do anything I wanted to do.
I wish I’d had better guidance as a child. I hate my birth parents, even though I want to love them. I regret being who I am. I’m tired of the same platitudes from people. I’m in a steel cage with no means to educate myself or do something productive…
I have almost zero communication with the outside world and I’m surrounded by course, loud, evil men whose sole goal is to hurt someone or degrade someone. I can’t escape from it and it’s literally pushing me to the edge. I pretend like I’m okay and sometimes (if I get a really good book) I can forget.
But reality’s always there. This is not who I want to be or where I want to be. The prosecutor wants me to do 10 years. I know I won’t be able to do it in these circumstances. I keep trying to tell myself that I’m still young but it’s such a HUGE waste of time.
This is not who I want to be or where I want to be.
How am I going to build a life with no higher education at the age of 35? They don’t offer college classes in prison anymore. Unless a miracle happens, I see no potential in my future anymore. I’m not being melodramatic; this is really how I feel. It’s all I can think about. So do I embrace being a criminal? Because I’m already rejected by society, I have no possibility as things stand now.
Yet my inner character recoils at the implications of being a career criminal. I’ve never actually viewed myself as a criminal and I still don’t. But I guess I really am. I’m just so sensitive all the time. I just get so angry and lash out. And now it’s going to cost me 10 years in freedom, and a lifetime of who I could have been…
I need a pertinent thorough goal, a direction, a light of hope – something. How do I get through this?
Too bad I can’t afford a lawyer. Having a public defender always ensures I get the worst deal possible. And I get a young, fresh lawyer – untried. So yeah, I’m screwed. I pray for a chance for a break, but it’s not looking good. I just want so badly to be able to do something with my life. Start a family and get further education…
I doubt you can help me, but I’m so desperate. I’ve never been this low ever. Before, I always had a chance for a future.
I’m reaching out to you, Father. I’ve been withdrawn for months and now I turn to you. What can I do? Do you even know?
This place is horrible. Do humans really live like this?
It crushes the soul.
If you missed Part One of the three-part series, open this link to read Another Birthday in Prison.
Craig Peterson publishes EACH Child every Tuesday. To subscribe, open this link and “Like” the page. EACH Child is Special: Working Smarter Not Harder to Raise Every ONE
To follow Craig’s journey in raising his six children with special needs, click here: Adopting Faith: A Father’s Unconditional Love
To follow my son Andrew’s inspiring story, “Like” his special Facebook page Andrew Peterson Goes for the Gold