Like most adults I despise lying. And like most parents, I want my children to tell the truth.
Nothing more, nothing less.
You – like me – probably lied in your youth. Yes, I told a zinger or two back in the day. But we eventually learned from our mistakes and desire others to do the same today.
Moreover, society expects “good” parents to react when their children lie. Raise their voices. Demand the truth. Take away possessions and privileges. For my typically-developing siblings and me, that approach did the trick for our parents – because of a well-defined, respectful relationship rooted in high expectations.
The lying disappeared.
But some children lie over and over – especially those with past trauma, Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder or other brain disorders. Soon the lying can become chronic – then habitual, in spite of parental efforts to stop the behavior.
In some cases with FASD and cognitive disabilities, lying is complicated with deficits in working memory and language processing. Children might not remember the details in the proper order. They might not use the right words to explain themselves – thus giving the appearance of a lie.
For many traumatized children with attachment challenges, lying comes from feeling unsure or unsafe. They may feel the need to twist the facts as a way to “control” their environment, as a way to maintain a sense of survival. Over time they can become masters of manipulating the adults charged with their care.
One of my sons – adopted after severe emotional and physical abuse – always perceived the absolute worst outcome, whether he told the truth or not. To him, lying made more sense – since he had a 50 percent chance of not being caught.
He was smart and understood the odds.
Although I can’t offer a silver bullet to stop lying in its tracks, practical ideas DO exist.
They start with mindfulness.
You must connect before you correct.
These 10 guidelines have worked for me – after I made a conscious decision to shift my thinking from my parents’ thinking. In doing so, I learned to work smarter not harder.
ONE: When your child lies, do not immediately rant and rave. Take a moment to think – perhaps overnight – and respond thoughtfully. Shaming your child won’t improve the outcome. In fact, it can permanently damage your relationship.
TWO: Do you have the facts? If not, can you obtain them? Wrongfully accusing your child – without the facts – is a recipe for lasting disrespect and mistrust.
THREE: Don’t ever take the lying personally. If your child succeeds in upsetting you, he or she wins. You can then expect more of the same behavior. In other words, keep your emotions in check – until you can release frustration privately.
FOUR: If you have the facts, resist the temptation to ask the obvious. Are you lying? You’ll immediately receive a “no” nearly every time – and likely instigate a power struggle. The result can be an all-out argument in which no one wins.
FIVE: Pick your battles carefully. Is every lie worth your time? Your effort? From my experience I say probably not. If you feel compelled to speak after confirming the facts, use a positive spin. We both know you didn’t tell the truth. Let’s start from there.
SIX: Whenever possible, prevent the opportunity for your child to lie. Use an action statement instead of asking a question. For example, Let’s look over your homework together. Let’s look at the party invitation together. Let’s check your clean bedroom together. This cooperative approach produces a more appropriate response than simply asking – and putting another lie in motion. It also sets a positive precedent for working together.
SEVEN: Play detective and learn new information about situations involving your child. Does the math teacher allow a single note card with formulas for tests? Does the coach require specific workout gear for practice? Does the friend’s parents host responsible sleepovers? With the right information, you can often stop the lie before it’s uttered or even considered.
EIGHT: Leave your child an out if you have confirmation of a big lie and need to talk with – not at – him or her. At my house the rule was simple: come clean and avoid additional consequences. No double jeopardy ever. Allow time for your child to ponder without demands or shame.
NINE: If you catch your child being honest, don’t offer too much praise. It can quickly backfire and set the stage for triangulation. Rather, be sequential. Connect the positive behavior to future privileges. And build additional trust.
TEN: Be patient. Eliminating lying entirely can take months or even years. Time can be a great healer, especially when reducing the opportunity to lie.
Now it’s time to tweak your approach.
You might just find the truth. DCP
Craig Peterson publishes EACH Child every Tuesday. To subscribe, open this link and “Like” the page. EACH Child is Special: Working Smarter Not Harder to Raise Every ONE
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